Getting rid of mommy guilt

As a working mom one of the first things you hear about in articles or blogs written for Working Moms is how to get rid of mommy guilt. They often talk about being ok with the fact that you have to go away from your baby for extensive amounts of time during the day, or being ok with the fact that someone besides you is watching your baby for large portions of the day. I must admit that having an amazing daycare provider that constantly communicates with me has helped with the portion of mommy guilt... But there is another type of mommy guilt that I did not read about but I experienced.

I felt guilty that I could not be the type of worker that I was before. I felt guilty that I could not be at every meeting. I felt guilty everytime I had to leave early. I felt like I didn't deserve my job. I felt like I wasn't the right person for my position because I could not give everything I was able to give before. Thankfully I have an amazing administration and I can honestly say that these guilty feelings were self imposed. But I went threw this until... well I still go through this a bit but I have learned  a few things that have helped me.

1. Never over apologize- Every time I had to leave early to pick up my son or if he wasn't feeling well I found myself saying "i am so so so sorry", "I am sorry for the inconvenience this has placed on you". The apologies would go on and on and the longer the apology the more guilty I felt afterward. I have learned that there is nothing to be sorry for. Having to leave to take care of your little one is OK and  it is nothing to be sorry about.

2. Don't make promises you can't keep- This phrase "I promise it wont happen again" would slip out of my mouth like word vomit every time I would have to do something for my little man. But guess what... yup you guessed it, It happened again ineveitably and I would lay on the guilt feeling like I was a liar. I realized that I can't make promises like that because things will always come up that require me to take care of my family and that is the beauty of being a mommy (your always needed and you can never loose the mommy job).

3. Say your priorities and be comfortable with them- My priorities are: God, Husband, Children, and then job. I had to realize that this is the HEALTHY order and it is OK that once my child was born my job had to move down a spot on the priorities list.

4. Envision the end of your life- At the end of my life to I want my bedside filled with colleagues that were impressed with the work I did, or do I want my bedside filled with family and friends that were thankful for the love I showed toward them. I would choose the later and I am OK with that.

Working Mommy guilt creeps up sometimes but then I realize that my life has changed since giving birth to my little man, sometimes I have to make a conscious decision between my son and my career and I have become comfortable choosing my son... Every time! I can get another job (though I wouldn't want to because my job rocks) but I can never get another Micah Caleb Young!

Honey I Love You... Debt I Hate You!

So  today is Valentines day and my hubby and I have generally sat around and made goggly eyes at one another while making a have baked valentine's day celebration plan that required us to sit in the house and avoid the mad rush of celebrators... Today is no different. Well, there is one difference we have added a bouncing bundle of joy to our valentines day home celebration so now we are making goggly eyes at him too.

In the midst of celebrating valentines our traditional way Hubby and I had a conversation about our debt. It went a little something like this... "Honey I love you" (pulled up our budget on the computer), "Debt I HATE you". Yea that pretty much sums up the beginning conversation. But then I began thinking, If I truly love myself, my husband and my son then why do I continue to allow us to live with something we hate so much. I went back to my husband and we began to have a real conversation about getting out of debt. Debt (darn you Student loans) has crippled us for years. And then we threw a baby in the mix so our budget consists of daycare, diapers, student loans, and credit cards, and that is a recipe for a mental break down.

So this valentines day along with our goggly eyes, and home body celebration we also made a pact to show ourselves, and our son how much we really love each other by getting out of debt. Getting out of debt to us is like saying I believe in your future enough not to spend your future on debt payments. So these are the four steps we are starting today... Maybe you can join us.

1. Cut down fast food- So we have been eating a lot of our money. We will be cutting our fast food/ restaurant dinning to once per week. This may sound like a lot to you but let's just say McDonalds was like our cafeteria.
2. Give every dollar a destination- We would get so excited when we had extra money after our bills were paid, our allowance was dispersed, our groceries were purchased, and baby stuff was bought. Because we were so excited we would spend that money on... well actually we don't know what we spent it on, and there lies the problem. We are going to sit and talk about where that extra money can go in order to make the biggest impact on our future. 
3. Have a 1,000 dollar emergency fund- We got the 1,000 from Dave Ramsey. But let's face it, life happens and if we 0 out every month to pay debt and live if a tire needs to be replaced we would be in BIG trouble.
4. Continue to tithe- I look around and I see people in financial stress all around me. Steve and I have been there. But we tithed our way threw. I remember when Steve had a minimum wage paying job, I was teaching and Steve says "Babe I want to tithe based on the salary I desire". My response was... well let's just say it lacked support. But we did it and he has surpassed that salary. So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will continue to tithe and believe God that we will be DEBT FREE!

So this is my valentines day declaration to my family "I love you, and I hate debt so I promise that I wont force you all to live with it any more!"

Cry it out...

So for the past  9 months of my sons life I was against every piece of advice that said to allow your baby to cry it out. I would endure sleepless nights in order to ensure that my baby did not suffer through crying for an extended period of time. I would do every parenting no-no to help my son drift calmly off to sleep. I nursed him to sleep, I bottle fed him to sleep. When he woke up I would nurse him, bottle feed him, rock him, or even put him in our bed (gasp) to fall asleep. I was determined that I would make this sacrafice because it was important to me... Until yesterday!

For the past two nights Micah has been waking up at 2:30am. I offer him a bottle and he will not take it. I rock him and he stays awake. The only way he drifts back to sleep is if I allow him to sleep in our bed. And when he does go to sleep in our bed he tosses and turns more than in his crib. I know he tosses and turns because I have waken up to a baby foot in my mouth. So when I wake him up he is still tired and he has been exhausted at daycare.

So last night I decided to face the music and put my mommy draws on. I was going to have to let him cry it out for his own good. So true to form at 2:30am my little man woke up and began to cry and I left the room (he still sleeps in our room... I know,I know I hear the mommy moans) because I knew if I stayed in there I would sabatoge the cry it out method.

The excruciating pain of hearing my baby cry and not running to him lasted for about 7 minutes and then he was back asleep. WHAT!!!! That was it. I was foregoing hours and hours of sleep for 7 minutes of tears. I will continue to try this and see if it helps my little man get more sleep. I hope to be writing a post in a month or so about the amazing  sleep we are getting!

I'm a working mommy...HECK YEA!

So, I have heard that working moms are selfish. I have heard that working moms put their desires over the needs of their child. I have heard it said "I don't understand how you could work even though you know the devastating effects it could have on your child!" I will be honest each of these statements rung, LOUDLY, in my ears as I started my first day back to work after my son was born. I shed countless tears as I read research that went back and fourth on the positive and negative impact a working mom could have on her child. I second guessed myself all the time and laid on the mommy guilt thick, but I have made so much progress as a working mommy and there are 3 things that I have been reflecting on lately:

1. I am one person- My son is going to need more than just me to be successful in his life. Who knows what his talents will be! He is going to need interactions with others. My job as a mommy is not to hoard him all to myself but to guide him in making smart choices as to who enters into his circle. Today my son has some amazing people in his life such as his grandparents, Ms. Angie, his uncles, his God parents, his adopted aunties. All these people help me as a working mom...but they help him also. They each bring something to his life that I don't.

2. I have been given a mission- Anyone knows me knows that I believe in God wholeheartedly. I also believe that we have been placed here on assignment. I new from a young age that God gave me an assignment to work with children that it seemed like the world had given up on. The doors that he has opened for me to be able to do that have been amazing. I have finally come to the realization that if God called me to do something and then blessed me to be a mother that does not mean that I must drop one mantle to carry another. I have realized that God intends for me to rely on him to fulfill what he has called me to do.

3. I am not gone forever- I get to spend some awesome time with my little man... No I don't spend every moment with him (and I honestly would want to). Yes I have to leave him sometimes in the hands of another care giver (and that is super hard). But I am still here and able to enjoy life with him. I work 50 hours Monday-Friday away from him, but I truly cherish the time that I have with him.

I would be lying if I said I had it all figured out and that it was super easy but... I don't walk out of my house with a massive amount of guilt weighing me down anymore. I see the positives of the life that my family is leading. I see the positive impact of each and every person that has supported us during this parenthood transition. I see the amazing person that my little man is growing into. I see that if God has given you a mission he will grant you the grace and support to fulfill it. I believe each mommy has an amazing story. Some mommies are stay-at-home moms and they gather so much information on their child and share things with others (saints I call these women lol). Some mommies home-school and they are causing society to ask the question what can we do to better support children in their academic endeavors. I have been called to be a working mommy at this point in my life... and honestly I'm kinda starting to enjoy it. #itwillgetbetter

Daycare tales

When Micah was born my biggest fear as a working mom was sending him to a strangers house for 10 (yes 10) hours a day. That is 50 hours per week. I had already chosen a daycare provider when I was 7 months pregnant and I had spent time getting to know her I was still nervous to say the least. But I would love to announce that I LOVE his daycare. I know that as a working mom daycare is scary so let me tell you some things that made this journey so awesome for us.

1. Getting a referral- There is something awesome about knowing someone who speaks highly of the person who you are trusting to watch your child. This places you at ease a little. So ask those working mommy friends of yours who they trust to watch their little ones.

2. Choosing home daycare- So this was very important to me. I believe strongly that a good home daycare for a little tyke beats a center any day. It gives the feel of being home hanging out with friends. They can only have 8 children at a time with no more than 2 infants which means less of a chance the baby will be sick often, and your little on will really build a relationship with his daycare provider.

3. Spending a day or two- we spent a few days at the daycare during maternity leave so that I could really get a feel for how the day is run.

4. Starting before you start- My little man's first day at daycare was not my first day back to work. I let him start a few days before work so that I could get out all my blubbering (and yes I blubbered bad) before I went back to work. This also helped me to time how long it would take me to drop him off and then head to work. I also felt comfortable knowing I was available if he needed me

5. Spend time- Every now and then see if you could come to daycare a little early and read a story to the children or play a game with them or spend some time with the daycare provider. This will help you feel like you are a part of your little tyke's world.

My little man started daycare at 12 weeks and I am glad I didn't start any later because he adjusted well and didn't suffer from separation anxiety which can happen around 5 month. His daycare provider has truly become a part of the village that it is taking to raise Micah. She has successfully raised 4 children and is now helping to raise the next generation. Is you are looking for a daycare in the DC metro area check out little leaders daycare with Mrs. Angela Chance. She is truly AMAZING. So now you got your get a referral step out of the way!

Why not...

So a few days ago my best friend sent me an e-mail. This e-mail outlined my pre-mommy goals that I sent her in 2011. Among those goals are things that I am striving for and some things that I have abandoned. As I sat looking at my list of goals I said to myself..."Why not just go for it!"

So I have decided to shift my perspective. Instead of thinking of my life as the working mom scrambling to make time for her family I have decided to be the mom who works and shows her child and family just how awesome it is to go after their dreams. So here goes. For those that knew the 2011 Dominique or the college Dominique who was always doing something and pushing the envelope wanting to change the world... Well she's back!!!! I will be blogging about the adventures to come so stay tuned!

Those days when you think...

So this week I had one of those days. You know the days I am talking about. The day when you think that you just cant take one more step without falling flat on your face. Let me tell you my story. So I made the mistake of laying my son down for bed at 6:30pm because he looked super sleepy...Bad move spidey! I went to sleep at around 10:30 and then 1:30 came along and guess who was awake. That's right, you guessed it, My son and me. This night was different from the other broken sleep nights. This night he refused to go back to sleep no matter how much feeding, singing, bouncing I did. 4:30am I gave up and went to my husband with a grunt and said "I can't anymore". I passed him the wide awake baby and I crawled back into bed for one more precious hour of sleep, knowing that this would set me behind on my morning schedule but that was a risk I was willing to take. But there were lessons to be learned from this sleepless night that I hope may help someone not have to go through this (but let's face it I think nights like this are part of the mommy hazing process).

Lessons Learned

1. NEVER EVER stray from the routine. Night time routines are a working mommy's sanity. When you stray from it you run the risk of a baby that is completely thrown off which means you run the risk of writing your own sleepless night saga.
2. Find a routine that works and stick with it! SERIOUSLY!
3. Remember that not all nights are like this
4. Remember many working mommys before you have braved the infamous sleepless night and have survived.


I hope this inspires you that no matter what you are going through at the moment you can make it through! I know that this four hour of sleep fiasco I dealt with is not as serious as some of the things many of you may be going through but you can make it, God is able, and even if you have to stumble...Stumble forward!